{the monster inside me}

i am truly {terrifed} of that monster.

which is why i want to share it with you.

things seem less scary when they are in the daylight, right?

a lot of people know this about me, so it may sound redundant, but i struggle in an eating disorder.

i can pinpoint the start of my skewed self-image perceptions to about the age of 5.

i can pinpoint the incident.

my actual bouts with anorexia started when i was about 16.

i can recall working as a lifeguard, sitting up on my stand feeling intense hunger pains.

and what was my initial thought?

not, oh, i better get something to eat on my next break.

that would be logical, right?

well, nothing is logical in the mind of a person trapped in the disease of an eating disorder.

my initial thought was,

yay!  this feels good!  i'm proud of myself for not eating anything today!

it feels good to feel in control. and that's how i feel in the midst of my battles.  in control.

when life seems hectic, and there are so many things one can't control....what goes into my mouth is something that i can.

why am i telling you all of this?

because it's important that you hear what it's like for a girl like myself.

it's easy enough for you to say, well, just make the choice to eat.

but it's not that easy to do.

it is an obsession.

a sick compulsion to starve my body of nutrition in order to look "skinny".

to feel comfortable in my own skin.

for girls with an eating disorder, we have a terribly skewed perspective when we look in the mirror.

you look at me and see a girl who has a little softness to her weighing in at about 125lbs.

totally average and normal. (for my height, at least)

when i look at me, i don't see a little softness.

i see mounds and mounds of excess fat.

i see stretch marks from having 3 babies.

i see flabby arms.

i imagine myself as carrying the weight of a 5'1" girl weighing in at 150lbs.

that's what i see when i look in the mirror.

if i try {really} hard to be logical (which as i said is nearly impossible) i realize that my perception is skewed.

but i don't care.

i want to control what goes into my mouth and get rid of an excess 20lbs.

i've gone through peaks of success in fighting this monster and deep depressing valleys loosing to the monster.

right now is a deep valley.

after i had reminton, i was determined to loose the extra few pounds using {healthy} methods.

plus the benefits of breastfeeding.

so i started swimming again.

i did a couch to 5k training program and ran a 5k in june.

i average a 3 mile run about 3 times a week.

i struggled at first with practicing self control with eating.

which was hard to do with all the delicious desserts that people brought when bringing us a meal after having remi.

those meals are such a blessing!  and so are the desserts!

i just lacked the self control to not over eat.  or to ask them to not bring me dessert.

i read a book that was gifted to me by my sweet sister in law called

The Diet Alternative.

i really enjoyed reading it, and felt like the author had some really sound advice.

basically just eat when you feel hungry.  learn those hunger and full signals.

she also suggested fasting one meal a day.

what ever meal would be hard for you to give up.

as a means to place a sacrifice before God and as a means to learn self control in eating.

because i was still nursing, i decided it wouldn't be wise for me to give up an entire meal.

so i choose to give up snacking.

i'm a big snacker.

or used to be, because praise God i gave it up.

so after remi bit me while nursing and drew blood and i promptly weaned him,

i decided it was time to sacrifice that meal.

i started giving up lunches.

at first it was a battle, it  is hard not to eat when you are in the habit.

so it had been about 2 months of not eating lunch.

and i enjoyed the feel of choosing not to eat.

it was my choice.

my choice to control.

recently my dr. has brought up some concerns with me about my risk of developing type 2 diabetes.

(i had gestational diabetes twice, and i have family members with it, which greatly increases my risk despite diet and exercise)

because of that concern, my loving husband asked me to stop fasting lunches.

and i had a loving friend share her concern with me as well.

so under submission to casey, i have started to eat lunch again.

and this is when the monster began rearing it's ugly head again.

from day one of eating lunch, i obsessed about the calories i was eating.

how many extra miles would  i need to run to counter them?

i can already feel the addition of weight on my body.

i can already feel the anxiety it causes me.

i can already feel myself mentally preparing to begin starving myself behind my husbands back.

and that's why i'm telling you this.

not for the sympathy votes.

please friends, i don't want your sympathy.

i just {have} to be open and honest about it.

because it's dangerous.

it's not something that i {ever} want my daughters to see in me and mimic.

and if you have daughters of your own, make yourself aware.

talk to them about their bodies.

tell them they are beautiful.

help them to make healthy food choices.

teach them about self control.

and if you would, pray for me.

{Then Sings My Soul} a book review

Then Sings My Soul is a great collection of hymns sharing the historical facts and background surrounding each hymn.  This book does a great job of compiling a wide variety of well know, and not so well known hymns.  The aesthetic style of the book in and of itself is beautiful.  The pages are nice and think, and the edges are given a faux worn and rustic feel.  I received it back in December and gave it as a gift to my father in law, who is a lover of hymns. 

I suppose the one thing I might change, or that I didn’t really enjoy about this book, is that it does not provide the entire hymn.  It only gave a piece or a selection of the hymn and not the whole thing.

It is fun and exciting to be able to learn the historical background of a hymn.  If feel like it simply enriches and brings depth to the hymns and generally heightens the experience.  

Overall, I would give this book an A- on the grade scale, deducting only for the lack of full hymns.  I think it is the perfect coffee table gift for any parent, grandparent, or hymn lover.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the www.BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisdx_03/16cfr255_03.html : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

{crazy aunt millie}

it's been a while since i've had anything to post on my {crazy}girl.

her hair is pretty long, so  it's been surprisingly {tame}.

until last week.

she is a hot sleeper, and often wakes up covered in sweat.

this is how her bangs dried the other day.

totally 80's.

how rad is she?

of course, i couldn't resist turning this photo into {pop art}.

{Hillybilly Bone}

Press play on the video, but don't watch it, just listen while you read and enjoy the pictures of remi d.

with a daddy from {sterling}

and

a mama from {lochbuie}

remi couldn't help but have a little {hillbilly bone} down deep inside.

he worked on this tooth for several day.

several days of fever, diaper rash, and pure {cranky} baby.

but i have to say, it's so worth it.

every single time i see this tooth i can't help but giggle.

he's such a hillbilly with his hilbilly tooth.

please, mom, no more photos.

oh, ok.  just one more.

this kid.  he is so great.

he is a {wild} man.

at 11 months old:

he is obsessed with his bottle.

he has several words:

ba ba (for bottle, of course)

mama

dada

hi! {with exuberant arm waving thrown in}

aaahhh-dun (all done)

he is a crawling machine.

he always has a bruise on his forehead  (from trying to stand up on his own too near tables)

he attempted his first step a few days ago.

he is {terrified} of the bath.

i mean, i know boys like to be dirty, but geeze!

when i say terrified, i mean full body shaking, screaming at the top of his lungs to the point of nearly vomiting.

so right now bath time is few and far between (stinky boy!)

and when we are forced to plop him in, it's a 2 man job.  one to wrestle the boy still and the other to quickly soap up and rinse off.

oh. and he LOVE love love love's his mama.

and i'm ok with that.

{daily delaney}

so yesterday i told delaney that we were going to poop scoop in the back yard.

little known to me, this would be a thrill unlike one she had never known before.

seriously, she was so {excited} to go on a poop hunt.

like, she was so excited to do it, that at nap time yesterday we had this conversation:

"ok lane.  if you do not ignore amelia (millie can be a bit of a pest during sleep times) and go to sleep right away, you will not get to help me poop scoop the yard."

lane: "but MOM! i  WANT to scoop poop."

me: "ok, then you need to obey my instruction and go right to sleep."
lane: "ok!"

and she did.  man, she's never taken such a great nap before!  all at the prospect of getting to pick up dog turds.  {weirdo!}

so this morning we headed out on our poop adventure in the giant back yard.

as we were walking searching for poop, lane says:

"mom, i think i saw something black.  must have been poop.  or a butterfly."

WHAT?  a butterfly?!?!  how do you mistake a butterfly for turds!?!?  or vice versa? 

oh, that kid. she blows me away.  i have so much fun hanging out with her.

the next time you see something that resembles poop, take a close look, it just might be a butterfly.