Friday, August 19, 2011

{bitty girl}

i cannot even fathom how the time goes so fast.
when i was young, i remember adults telling me: oh, you grow so fast! the time goes so fast!  
and i remember thinking: wow, this person is crazy.  time {drags} by.
but it's true.
i heard a quote once that really stuck with me-
"these are the longest days and the shortest years"
it's SO true.
my bitty girl, my millie may, my little bits of love is 3.
3 stinking years old today.
this girls is my daily dose of challenge and affection.
she is unique to the core.
and i adore her.

happy birthday baby girl.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

{running for Jr.}

hello friends and family!
some of you know, i started running a few months back and i really really like it.
geeze, i never EVER thought i'd day that.
anyway, i'm running a race for a {great} cause.
do you remember my post about a sweet little man named Jr.?
you can refresh yourself here.
Jr. has certainly come a long way since his original diagnosis, and that is no small feat!

when his mama invited me to run in this 5k i didn't hesitate for a second.
this is something {worth} running for.
do you want to run too?  or perhaps walk?
would you consider donating to the 

                           Colorado Pulmonary Hypertension 5K Run for PHun 2011?

Even the smallest donation means a lot to the people affected by this and their families.
and if you cannot donate money, would you consider praying for them?
pray that they would raise a lot of funds, that Jr. would continue to grow healthy and strong.
that his doctors would have wisdom on how best to treat him in the future.

you can donate through my page at

or through Matt and Marie's page.

Here is a little more info from Marie:

This is VERY near and dear to OUR HEARTS! Our little man "Jr.", has a long list of Cardiac and Pulmonary problems! Pulmonary Hypertension being near the top. Please join us to celebrate how far our little man has came and not to forget we has a very long road still a head of us. Bring the family for a 5K Walk/Run, learn a little bit more about Pulmonary Hypertension, help raise much needed money to continue research, and meet the most amazing medical team and some Awesome Kids!

The Pulmonary Hypertension Association (PHA), The University of Colorado Denver, and The Children’s Hospital, will be hosting its second annual Colorado Pulmonary Hypertension 5K Run For PHun on Sunday, September 18th at the Anschutz Medical Campus.

Visit: Team Matthew Wright, "Jr." at the link below to join in on the 5K walk/run, show your by donating or both!​/fundraiser/MatthewWrightJ​r/coloradopulmonaryhyperte​nsion5krunforphun2011


For more information, registration, donation, and more!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

{can it really be true?}

really?  can it really be true that he has already been with us for a whole year?

this mighty little man,  he is a joy and a delight to us.
he has grown to be full of life.
we are so thankful for his life.

Happy 1st Birthday Remington David!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

{the monster inside me}

i am truly {terrifed} of that monster.
which is why i want to share it with you.
things seem less scary when they are in the daylight, right?

a lot of people know this about me, so it may sound redundant, but i struggle in an eating disorder.
i can pinpoint the start of my skewed self-image perceptions to about the age of 5.
i can pinpoint the incident.
my actual bouts with anorexia started when i was about 16.
i can recall working as a lifeguard, sitting up on my stand feeling intense hunger pains.
and what was my initial thought?
not, oh, i better get something to eat on my next break.
that would be logical, right?
well, nothing is logical in the mind of a person trapped in the disease of an eating disorder.
my initial thought was,
yay!  this feels good!  i'm proud of myself for not eating anything today!
it feels good to feel in control. and that's how i feel in the midst of my battles.  in control.
when life seems hectic, and there are so many things one can't control....what goes into my mouth is something that i can.

why am i telling you all of this?
because it's important that you hear what it's like for a girl like myself.
it's easy enough for you to say, well, just make the choice to eat.
but it's not that easy to do.
it is an obsession.
a sick compulsion to starve my body of nutrition in order to look "skinny".
to feel comfortable in my own skin.

for girls with an eating disorder, we have a terribly skewed perspective when we look in the mirror.
you look at me and see a girl who has a little softness to her weighing in at about 125lbs.
totally average and normal. (for my height, at least)
when i look at me, i don't see a little softness.
i see mounds and mounds of excess fat.
i see stretch marks from having 3 babies.
i see flabby arms.
i imagine myself as carrying the weight of a 5'1" girl weighing in at 150lbs.
that's what i see when i look in the mirror.

if i try {really} hard to be logical (which as i said is nearly impossible) i realize that my perception is skewed.
but i don't care.
i want to control what goes into my mouth and get rid of an excess 20lbs.

i've gone through peaks of success in fighting this monster and deep depressing valleys loosing to the monster.
right now is a deep valley.

after i had reminton, i was determined to loose the extra few pounds using {healthy} methods.
plus the benefits of breastfeeding.
so i started swimming again.
i did a couch to 5k training program and ran a 5k in june.
i average a 3 mile run about 3 times a week.
i struggled at first with practicing self control with eating.
which was hard to do with all the delicious desserts that people brought when bringing us a meal after having remi.
those meals are such a blessing!  and so are the desserts!
i just lacked the self control to not over eat.  or to ask them to not bring me dessert.
i read a book that was gifted to me by my sweet sister in law called
The Diet Alternative.
i really enjoyed reading it, and felt like the author had some really sound advice.
basically just eat when you feel hungry.  learn those hunger and full signals.
she also suggested fasting one meal a day.
what ever meal would be hard for you to give up.
as a means to place a sacrifice before God and as a means to learn self control in eating.
because i was still nursing, i decided it wouldn't be wise for me to give up an entire meal.
so i choose to give up snacking.
i'm a big snacker.
or used to be, because praise God i gave it up.

so after remi bit me while nursing and drew blood and i promptly weaned him,
i decided it was time to sacrifice that meal.
i started giving up lunches.
at first it was a battle, it  is hard not to eat when you are in the habit.
so it had been about 2 months of not eating lunch.
and i enjoyed the feel of choosing not to eat.
it was my choice.
my choice to control.

recently my dr. has brought up some concerns with me about my risk of developing type 2 diabetes.
(i had gestational diabetes twice, and i have family members with it, which greatly increases my risk despite diet and exercise)
because of that concern, my loving husband asked me to stop fasting lunches.
and i had a loving friend share her concern with me as well.

so under submission to casey, i have started to eat lunch again.
and this is when the monster began rearing it's ugly head again.
from day one of eating lunch, i obsessed about the calories i was eating.
how many extra miles would  i need to run to counter them?
i can already feel the addition of weight on my body.
i can already feel the anxiety it causes me.
i can already feel myself mentally preparing to begin starving myself behind my husbands back.

and that's why i'm telling you this.
not for the sympathy votes.
please friends, i don't want your sympathy.
i just {have} to be open and honest about it.
because it's dangerous.
it's not something that i {ever} want my daughters to see in me and mimic.

and if you have daughters of your own, make yourself aware.
talk to them about their bodies.
tell them they are beautiful.
help them to make healthy food choices.
teach them about self control.

and if you would, pray for me.