{the monster inside me}

i am truly {terrifed} of that monster.

which is why i want to share it with you.

things seem less scary when they are in the daylight, right?

a lot of people know this about me, so it may sound redundant, but i struggle in an eating disorder.

i can pinpoint the start of my skewed self-image perceptions to about the age of 5.

i can pinpoint the incident.

my actual bouts with anorexia started when i was about 16.

i can recall working as a lifeguard, sitting up on my stand feeling intense hunger pains.

and what was my initial thought?

not, oh, i better get something to eat on my next break.

that would be logical, right?

well, nothing is logical in the mind of a person trapped in the disease of an eating disorder.

my initial thought was,

yay!  this feels good!  i'm proud of myself for not eating anything today!

it feels good to feel in control. and that's how i feel in the midst of my battles.  in control.

when life seems hectic, and there are so many things one can't control....what goes into my mouth is something that i can.

why am i telling you all of this?

because it's important that you hear what it's like for a girl like myself.

it's easy enough for you to say, well, just make the choice to eat.

but it's not that easy to do.

it is an obsession.

a sick compulsion to starve my body of nutrition in order to look "skinny".

to feel comfortable in my own skin.

for girls with an eating disorder, we have a terribly skewed perspective when we look in the mirror.

you look at me and see a girl who has a little softness to her weighing in at about 125lbs.

totally average and normal. (for my height, at least)

when i look at me, i don't see a little softness.

i see mounds and mounds of excess fat.

i see stretch marks from having 3 babies.

i see flabby arms.

i imagine myself as carrying the weight of a 5'1" girl weighing in at 150lbs.

that's what i see when i look in the mirror.

if i try {really} hard to be logical (which as i said is nearly impossible) i realize that my perception is skewed.

but i don't care.

i want to control what goes into my mouth and get rid of an excess 20lbs.

i've gone through peaks of success in fighting this monster and deep depressing valleys loosing to the monster.

right now is a deep valley.

after i had reminton, i was determined to loose the extra few pounds using {healthy} methods.

plus the benefits of breastfeeding.

so i started swimming again.

i did a couch to 5k training program and ran a 5k in june.

i average a 3 mile run about 3 times a week.

i struggled at first with practicing self control with eating.

which was hard to do with all the delicious desserts that people brought when bringing us a meal after having remi.

those meals are such a blessing!  and so are the desserts!

i just lacked the self control to not over eat.  or to ask them to not bring me dessert.

i read a book that was gifted to me by my sweet sister in law called

The Diet Alternative.

i really enjoyed reading it, and felt like the author had some really sound advice.

basically just eat when you feel hungry.  learn those hunger and full signals.

she also suggested fasting one meal a day.

what ever meal would be hard for you to give up.

as a means to place a sacrifice before God and as a means to learn self control in eating.

because i was still nursing, i decided it wouldn't be wise for me to give up an entire meal.

so i choose to give up snacking.

i'm a big snacker.

or used to be, because praise God i gave it up.

so after remi bit me while nursing and drew blood and i promptly weaned him,

i decided it was time to sacrifice that meal.

i started giving up lunches.

at first it was a battle, it  is hard not to eat when you are in the habit.

so it had been about 2 months of not eating lunch.

and i enjoyed the feel of choosing not to eat.

it was my choice.

my choice to control.

recently my dr. has brought up some concerns with me about my risk of developing type 2 diabetes.

(i had gestational diabetes twice, and i have family members with it, which greatly increases my risk despite diet and exercise)

because of that concern, my loving husband asked me to stop fasting lunches.

and i had a loving friend share her concern with me as well.

so under submission to casey, i have started to eat lunch again.

and this is when the monster began rearing it's ugly head again.

from day one of eating lunch, i obsessed about the calories i was eating.

how many extra miles would  i need to run to counter them?

i can already feel the addition of weight on my body.

i can already feel the anxiety it causes me.

i can already feel myself mentally preparing to begin starving myself behind my husbands back.

and that's why i'm telling you this.

not for the sympathy votes.

please friends, i don't want your sympathy.

i just {have} to be open and honest about it.

because it's dangerous.

it's not something that i {ever} want my daughters to see in me and mimic.

and if you have daughters of your own, make yourself aware.

talk to them about their bodies.

tell them they are beautiful.

help them to make healthy food choices.

teach them about self control.

and if you would, pray for me.