Friday, August 31, 2012

{school days, school days...}

i am just going to come right out and say it.
i. am. inadequate. 
i even just spelled inadequate wrong.  {twice}.
today was delaney's first {official} day of kindergarten.
last year, we sort of did kindergarten, only because it seemed like every friend that she loved dearly was either {going} to school somewhere (pre-k or Kinder)
starting school at home. and she so so so very much wanted to do school as well.

now, for the things that i'm going to say regarding, when i started school for her, my reasons why, and how we are schooling are all my families {personal choices} and are not a reflections oh how i think you should do it. 
did you know that, how, when, where, etc. your kid goes to school can be quite the controversial issue?
anyway, i just wanted to put that disclaimer out there.
the reason i said we {sort of} did kindergarten last year is because i am not big on starting my kids schooling at 2 or 3 or even 4years old.
my take is this: your child only has the tiniest span of time
 that they can wholly, truly just play and be a kid.  and then, school starts.
once they start school, that is pretty much their life until they graduate college (if they choose to go) .
and i really just wanted to give them the opportunity to be kids.
and, if i am being really honest, i wasn't ready to be that self sacrificing yet.
since delaney is an older kindergartner (due to an october bday, she is at that weird cutoff age)
i really wasn't prepared to start kindergarten for her until this year.
but like i said, she so very badly wanted to take part in school like her friends.
so i got a kindergarten curriculum and we did it 3 days/week all year and through most of this summer.
we had good days and bad days.  but we learned to enjoy the schedule to a degree.
yet, it was still totally my choice if we did school that day, or if we took a week off here and there.

all of that ended {today}.
and i am terrified.
for a multitude of reasons.
i don't feel smart enough.
i am afraid that i am not selfless enough.
i don't feel organized enough.
i fear we will come to the end of they year only to find that i totally dropped the ball.

i don't feel smart enough because i am not creative in the {teaching} sense.  
the curriculum that we used last year was literally scripted for me, and i  {loved}  it.
the curriculum that we are going with this year is the furthest thing from scripted and i have no idea what i am doing.
i decided to get amelia a pre-school book (mostly because i needed something for her to do while i did school with delaney) and you guys, i wish i were kidding about this, but i am not: i am utterly confused by the pre-school teachers guide and the child's workbook. 
 i have no clue how to make sense of the two.
wow.  that took a lot of humility for me to just admit.
and, look how i said earlier that i wasn't a fan of pre-school necessarily and here i am with a pre-school book for amelia!  double standard, i know. things and ideas change when you have a kindergartner and a pre-school aged child who wants to do everything their big sister does.  
and, honestly, if i just left remi and millie to play together while i did school with delaney, neither of them would survive the first week.  they would kill each other.

i am afraid that i am not selfless enough because i have seen hoards and hoards of pictures of friends and family on facebook sending their precious little people off to school.
and i am jealous.
and i think to myself, ahhh, now {that} would be nice.
i think it is totally up to an individual family if they choose to homeschool or send their kids to school.
no judging.  for real.
however, for various reasons {feel free to email me if you want to know the knitty gritty}
we have decided that the wisest, safest choice for {our} family is to homeschool.
and it takes a lot to accomplish this with a 5yr old, a 4yr old and a 2yr old all running around the house.
i truly admire the great women who do it with many more children then i have.
seriously, how do you do it?
when i think of what this will look like, doing school 5days a week for 3 or so hours a day, i feel scared.
i feel selfish, because i think about how much easier it would be and how much more peaceful for me to be able to just send them off and have someone else do the work.
(remember, if you are a mom who sends their kids to school, i am not saying this is what {you} are thinking.  i am being honest about how i would feel about it if i did it.)

i don't feel organized enough because i have never had a knack for organization or administration.
it takes a lot of work to be organized enough to figure out, schedule and put together school work and teach my kids, keep up my house, get individual time with each child outside of school, try and maintain friendships, serve others, cook dinners, etc.
it feels outside of my ability to pull this all off.

but there is one saving grace in all of this, and there is a truth that i am white knuckle gripping onto.
God's grace is sufficient for me.
i will not be able to accomplish this on my own.
it will be by God's grace that any of this is pulled off in any sort of successful fashion.
i. am. inadequate.
WOW!  i spelled it right that time!
and honestly, as afraid, and as unprepared as i feel, this is sort of where i want to rest.
in the fact that i cannot do it on my own.
if it thought that, i would be so puffed up with pride that no one would want to spend a minute of time with me. 
it is good to be in a place of humility, in understanding that God has foresight that i do not have.
he placed me in this role of teacher for my kids, and he will ensure that i do not fail if i trust in his grace to get me through.
i. am. inadequate.
but god is not.
praise his blessed name for that.

and, for your viewing pleasure, a few pictures of my {kindergartner} and my {pre-schooler}


  1. Love you. Clinging is just where you need to be, when we aren't clinging we will fail. God will give the grace and direction. Love you, love you, love you.

  2. Love you girl You WILL do just fine

  3. Thanks for keeping it real, my friend. And you know, truly, that those of us that may look organized, well it's really a facade. Really. I, too, am feeling totally overwhelmed with first grade/tot school, and so many of the things you said resonated with me. I needed the reminder that God is sufficient, so thanks. Love you!

  4. Wow! Thank you for sharing this so frank. a mom with kids going to charter school...and I too understand what you're saying in a different sense. We prayed about puting our kids in Christian school/public or home. I had no peace with teaching them at home because we really studied Malachi and his needs socially. We did a short time in a preschool which opened our eyes to his growth in relationships...but first thing first. He needed to understand who his Savior was and have grounding in our rules and faith. And he absolutely did. He took a year off before Kindergarten and we laid it before the Lord what to do next. I have taken time at home to teach reading and math for an hour a day with him and Rachel when they got old enough. Gave me some great one on one time too. So...we couldn't finance the Christian school...and hadn't heard from he was enrolled in our neighborhood school..I was nervous. And praise Jesus...we got a call the summer before last year that he got Liberty. We were floored that his teacher was such an amazing woman of God and encouraged his faith and now this year she is teaching Rachel and Malachi's teacher's assistant is her best friend of 24 years who also loves Jesus! Some people get caught up in the learning. I could...I know my struggles in parenting are be anger. And God is constantly working...thankfully! My struggle hasn't been with learning. I know they are doing great and He has answered our prayers for protection over them and oportunities to share there faith. I am rambling...sorry! They know the purpose of the relationships they make at school is to invite friends to church and pray for them. I think if rachel was my only kiddo I may have taught at home but I am relieved to not feel like I am "letting" someone do my job for me. They come home and we revisit their day. We do work together. I get to work in the classroom and do field trips. But most of deepest that they share Jesus.It is what got me through public school where He used me to lead friends to Him when I was 6 and up. It was my joy and I pray they too can be used. I am so grateful they are surrounded by believing teachers who know our heart and rules for our munchkins. I know that having four kids and desiring them to know Him...and then struggling with my anger frustrates me to no end. I am inadequate...yep. In the moment that my daughter grabs friends hands in public to pray and thank Jesus for dying on the cross for us so boldly I am reminded I AM NOT IN CONTROL. He's got it. Thankfully. You will do amazing. I don't know if I made any sense...I think I went in circles...sorry.

  5. Oh, man. I totally think you are awesome...awesomely real, just awesome. I think the same things about the future...can I be that self-less. But you know, God WILL give grace. I underestimate the Lord, and I overestimate myself...and I am just wrong in that. God is teaching me to cling to Him and it is just such a more blessed place to rest in. Thank you for being fabulously honest. AND those first day pics were the best! Oh I love them!

  6. I CAN NOT wait to talk to you all about this while we are there!! Just a few more days and we'll be on American soil! Love you!